May 2, 2018
On Monday night during meditation, I was approached in mind by a very rock faced, ugly, part man part monster. He had a club. He looked at me with no emotion in his dark eyes, then smashed my head open with the club. I was unable to stop the thought or protect myself. It was so real that just before his club made contact with my head I opened my eyes to expect to see it really happening.
In meditation class Tuesday morning that same ugly half man half monster came to bash my brains in again. This time I was ready. I reached up and blocked the club as he swung it, stopping it easily. It disintegrated in my hand. I stood up and grabbed the creature, then stuffed him in a ceramic bowl. The bowl was white with relief drawings of warriors glazed in blue. I put the lid on it and placed the bowl on a shelf. I even put some museum putty on the bottom of the bowl, so if there were an earthquake the bowl wouldn’t slide off and shatter and let the monster out. I saw there were other bowls on two lines of shelves. I walked past them, not bothering to look at what the drawings on each were, and opened the door. I had been in a small room. I stepped out into my subconscious garden. There was a warm constant wind blowing across the crops, across my skin, and on to the ocean in the distance. The door behind me clanged shut. I turned to see, as the noise was out of place there in the setting I stood in. It was a vault door, with a large wheel. I turned the wheel to lock it.
“Water your garden,” a voice sang from the wind. I picked up a polished brass watering can and stepped lightly, feeding each of my crops carefully. The plants I watered blossomed right away. I held my can to the sky and filled it with love. Then I watered some more.
This morning I sat to meditate. A light drizzle of rain pelted my face, and legs, and bare feet. It felt good. Soothing. Something God would do for you. A vision came to me, I was on a yacht. There were mean people full of hate on the yacht, too. They ganged up and threw me over. The sea was rough, and the yacht bounced in place on its mooring. I tried to grab on to the mooring line, but as the boat lifted over the waves the line rose too high for me to reach. As the boat slammed into the ocean the line, taught like a tree branch, pushed me close to the bow of the boat. I was sucked into the void the boat left on its next rise above a wave. It crashed down on me, and as it did the mean people on the deck watched without emotion. I was plummeted by the boat, pushed down into the sea, my head broken and life passing quickly.
It was my movie, my meditation, and my thoughts, but I could not stop it. The scene played out on its own. I wanted it to end, I even tried to swim away, to save myself, but it was too late, I had used all my energy to try and hold on, so I just died, instead.
I am getting very close to a good thing. My mind is shifting to a much better place. I am becoming a person who can make beautiful things happen. And there is a force that does not want this. But the force will lose, as it so often does when it comes up against people like me.
Twelve hours later: I found a way.
This evening I sat to meditate. The vision of being thrown off the yacht came to mind again. The faces stared down at me as I treaded water a few feet, but safely, from the pitching boat. It was moored, so that meant it was close to shore. Why risk trying to hold on to a pitching, angry boat full of hateful people? I simply swam away, letting the waves and current carry me to safety.